In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
