: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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