I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
