Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
