Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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