Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
