What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
