Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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