My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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