got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize