dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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