I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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