I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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