Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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