So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the day after is always just damage control
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
