you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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