The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
