hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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