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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
