Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
