Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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