just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
