Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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