I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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