I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Randomize
