I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
