Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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