i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.