Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT