life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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