Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
