She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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