dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
