Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
