is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
