why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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