Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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