..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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