at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
