Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
