mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
