Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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