I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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