sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
