How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
