it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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