Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
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There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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