just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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