i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
