He disabled his match.com account in front of me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
