She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
