I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
