my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
