I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
