I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
