My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
