I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school