Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.