So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?