I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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