I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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