Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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