They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
