i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
