so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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