On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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