I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
