I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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